Letters From A Certain Girl is an Onisarashi-hen sequel story published in Onisarashi Premier Book, an exclusive mail-in book that also had the manga chapter After (a different Onisarashi sequel that was rereleased with the Utsutsukowashi-hen manga). Letters From A Certain Girl is stylized as a series of letters and features some illustrations by En Kito. I’ve included those illustrations here wherever appropriate.

WARNING: This story features heavy references to suicide and self-harm. Reader discretion is advised.

Story

Nice to meet you, and how do you do.

For various reasons I can’t give my name, but I go to the same school as you, Toudou-kun. I know it’s sudden, but I hope you’ll please forgive me for rudely sending a letter like this.

I know Kimiyoshi-san must be grieving. You were the person most closest to her, so I think you really do understand her. But if by some chance you’ve misunderstood her, I think that would be incredibly sad, which is why I’m sending this letter.

People who’ve seen the sad incident Kimiyoshi-san caused who don’t understand her might certainly think she’s a criminal. But she’s also just a victim. It’s unthinkable that she wanted a sad incident like this to occur.

Because she was exposed to the world’s ignorant misunderstandings, she only has you for emotional support. She will surely come back to your side one day. I believe you’ll be able to hold out and wait for her. So please, wait for her until that day comes.

This incident has deeply wounded her heart, just as much as it did yours. I sent this letter because I wanted you to understand that. I truly am sorry for the sudden, discourteous letter.

Please do not lose heart, and keep doing your best in school. I’ll be rooting for you in secret. That is all.

Greetings.

I didn’t think you’d send a reply to my address. I really am grateful for your response.

And I thank you for believing in Kimiyoshi-san. She was trapped in a truly miserable fate, but she is blessed and fortunate to have a wonderful person like you supporting her. Yours and her fate may be much too harsh currently, but so long as the strong desires you wrote in your response are real, I believe you’ll both become happy, no matter what.

Also, I would like to clear up a misunderstanding. I am not Kimiyoshi-san’s friend, and I am not your friend either, of course. We are not direct acquaintances. I didn’t even know her name until this incident.

As for why I would write a nosy letter like this, I am the same as Kimiyoshi-san in having origins in Hinamizawa. I’ve never lived in Hinamizawa, but my father’s side of the family originates from there, and my father himself was raised there as a child. So even if I’ve never lived in Hinamizawa, I think I can be classified as a Hinamizawan, which society is concerned about.

That is why I cannot reveal my name. Right now, in school, in public, in newspapers, and in tabloid TV shows, they’re worried about whether or not Hinamizawans will cause grotesque incidents again. It’s so scary to think that if they happen to discover I’m a Hinamizawan, I’ll become subject to persecution by the whole town.

If this happened, so soon after Kimiyoshi-san’s incident, I would no longer be able to live a peaceful school life. I’m sorry, these are just my own personal problems. They have nothing to do with yours.

I’m really sorry for sending a letter now, in doubt of your strong feelings. Let’s keep doing our best in school.

That is all.

Greetings.

I didn’t think I’d get another response from you. Again, I truly thank you for the warm words. Somehow, I feel that I’m sending you letters just because I want to read your comforting words, and I’m ashamed of that.

But you really are amazing, Toudou-kun. This incident might be sad and painful, but the fact that someone as understanding as you is close to Kimiyoshi-san makes her more fortunate than anyone else. (I might have written that in a previous letter.)

Unfortunately, the people around me are not so understanding. My classmates parrot around gossip about Kimiyoshi-san’s incident like it’s so amusing, and they talk about Hinamizawans like they’re some kind of cockroach. Sometimes I muster up the courage to debate them for Kimiyoshi-san’s honor, but I feel that their ignorance and lack of sympathy is beyond appalling, and even chilling.

I’ve heard of it being called societal stress for a while now. Everyone holds stress from everyday life, and want to dump it all onto some other person or scapegoat. Kimiyoshi-san’s incident therein is a very convenient scapegoat. They exaggerate her existence, actions, and upbringing for their own amusement, and treat her like a monster now. I know nothing about her time at school, but if they were calling her a monster since then, there’s no way I wouldn’t have heard about her strange behavior. They’re trying to get through each day, sustaining themselves by harming Kimiyoshi-san’s honor. I can only lament that we live in such a sad society, and shiver at the thought this could happen to me tomorrow.

I cannot help but believe that the society that wants to sacrifice her is much, much more revolting that the incident she caused itself. Just having someone supportive like you close to me is enough.

Greetings.

I didn’t think I’d get yet another response from you. I guess this is now something of a correspondence. But I’m really grateful. You have no idea how much I’m uplifted by your warm words, Toudou-kun.

Just like you said, society’s inquisitive eyes are always pointed towards something new. Right now, the occasional Hinamizawan incidents are being called Oyashiro-sama’s curse. It’s just an amusing racket for them, and if a new incident happens, society’s interest will immediately jump towards it. Your encouragement to endure it until then is realistic.

When I think about it, the world is truly cruel and careless. When a government official’s corruption makes the news, there are newspaper articles about it day after day. When a drunk driving incident makes the news, there are newspaper articles about it day after day. When a juvenile crime makes the news, there are newspaper articles about it day after day. When the masses read them, they fall under the delusion that these incidents only happen in Japan, and want for a sacrificial lamb. Being shown this superficial reality and society’s ignorance like this, my hopes for the future grow dim. It’s truly sad.

But the reality is, we can only persevere and accept it. It’s like a winter that never ends. Like a night that never becomes dawn. Someday, the cruel environment that surrounds us will change. Until that day, Toudou-kun, let’s please do our best for each other.

That is all.

P.S.

Am I being too paranoid? It feels like my classmates’ gazes have turned cold recently. Did someone tell them I’m of Hinamizawan descent? I don’t want to think I’ve been exposed, but before these incidents occurred, I told my classmates about the town I lived in before I moved. So the fact I cannot completely say for sure that I wasn’t exposed to anybody is frightening.

Greetings.

Once again, I’m truly grateful for your response. I feel like it’s fine to tell you my name, Toudou-kun, but my heart is still not prepared. I’m very much aware that it’s impolite to have this much of a cordial relationship with you and still not tell you my name, but I’m so, so scared of the worst-case scenario. Please give me just a little bit more time, for I fully intend to tell you someday.

As a matter of fact, the P.S. that I wrote last time was indeed not my imagination. It appears I’ve become a target of bullying by my class. Although I said bullying, they haven’t done anything openly or directly to me yet. The looks in my classmates’ eyes are getting colder and colder, and they’ve even stopped returning my greetings. I didn’t have many friends to begin with, but everyone at least returned my morning greetings up until now. That’s all gone away somehow.

Toudou-kun, you told me that I’m overthinking it, and I want to keep believing that, but I feel that my worst fears have come true. We’re in different classes now, but it’s a sure fact that last year, I revealed to my classmates H and K that I lived in Okinomiya, the same place Kimiyoshi-san once lived in. It’s a town in Shishibone City, right next to Hinamizawa. If they read any unseemly magazine, they’d quickly find out it was Kimiyoshi-san’s hometown.

I’ve talked with my parents about the possibility of my past being found out, but they weren’t concerned at all. It seems they only see my education as important, and not me. I’ve already confided to only you, Toudou-kun, but even so, I can’t rely on you. I can tell you just my feelings, at least.

The truth is, I feel that I can maintain some peace of mind by writing letters to you like this. There is no doubt that you have a magical ability to heal people’s wounded hearts.

I’m really sorry for always sending you such unpleasant letters, but can we keep up this correspondence for a little while longer?
I imagined some truly terrible scenarios. “Will I get a response or not?” “What do I do when I peek inside his mailbox and there’s nothing there?” “What do I do if he’s decided he’s had enough?” A few words from you, that you will write responses, would be enough to help me.

Of course, if you feel that you can’t keep this up any longer, just write me letter that says replies are unnecessary, and I’ll be satisfied. I’ll understand completely if you do that. I will pray that you write a good response.

No matter how much pain I’m in, it has nothing to do with you, Toudou-kun. And yet, I hope you’ll please allow me to continue sending these persistent letters for my own one-sided convenience.

That is all.

Greetings.

I’m truly thankful for you listening to my one-sided wish. I didn’t know anything about you until we exchanged letters, but during all this, I’ve come to understand you really are a wonderful person.

Even if it’s through letters, being able to have you listen to me talk and nod along is the only relief for my heart, now that I’m all alone. If I’m being honest, if I didn’t have the courage from your letters, I might have already lost my will to live. Therefore, it’s like you’re the thing keeping me alive. If I hadn’t received your reply, I would surely be dead by now. It’s because of you that I’m here now. So I’ll say it: Thank you so much for keeping me alive.

Even though it’s a matter of bullying, it’s already become an unshakable fact that I’m being coldly and cruelly mistreated, and am silently being ostracized. I’m no longer at the stages of it being my imagination or a persecution complex. If they insulted me face-to-face, I’d be able to deny that. However, they ridicule and gossip about me when I’m not there, and there’s nothing I can do about their inquiring looks and selfish, exaggerated rumors. It seems to be an obvious fact now that I’m a person of Hinamizawan descent. When I go to school in the morning and enter the classroom, the cold bullying of my classmates, who act as though I were never there to begin with, is truly, truly painful.

Why should I have to go through this just because I have Hinamizawa blood in my veins? In civics lessons, they should’ve taught that all humans are equal. But this treatment is much too horrible. The boys in my class are already referring to me with codewords and talking about doing some kind of punishment to me. What’s more, they say it’s not bullying, but an execution of the people’s justice. I’m not a cockroach! They really are horrible.

I don’t know what I can do. Toudou-kun, are you going to mercilessly tell me that I should go to school in spite of all that, just like my parents did? Until the world forgets about us and sets us free, I think staying home from the school is the simplest thing I can do.

I want to hear your opinion. You are the one who gave me life, after all.

That is all.

Greetings.

I read your response. I’m always, always grateful for your warm words showing concern for me. And I’m sorry. I must apologize today.

You encouraged me to keep living, and even told me not to kill myself.

But in the end, I cut my wrists.

Sitting in my bathtub, I cut a straight line on my left wrist with a razor. While I was watching my bathtub quickly being dyed a thick red, my mom discovered me. To tell you the truth, I used to cut my wrists in middle school, so she must’ve gotten suspicious when she called out to me and I didn’t respond inside the bathroom. I didn’t do this to convince my mom of anything, but as a result she understood that I had to be absent from school.

But my dad didn’t understand. He was really angry, asking what I was thinking in the year I prepared for entrance exams. I already knew that what mattered to my parents was not me but my public appearance in the name of academics, but it’s very sad to have it thrust at me so clearly. Fortunately, my dad leaves home before I go to school, so I won’t get in trouble for a while, but we’ll be yelling at each other again before long. Not even my own home is a peaceful place anymore. The only place where I can relax right now is here, exchanging letters with you.

But I’m really sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for wasting my life even though you told me to keep living. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Do you hate me now? Are you sick of sending letters to a disgusting girl like me?

But if you hate me, I don’t know where else my heart can stay. I won’t say anything selfish, like wanting encouragement from you in person. Receiving encouragement through these letters is enough.

You must hate me, don’t you? I’ll wait for a response.

That is all.

Greetings.

I truly am sorry for making you worry so much. And I’m truly grateful. I promise: I won’t do anything to waste my life ever again. I’m moved on from stupid things like wrist cutting.

Thinking about it, cutting your wrists isn’t suicide, or anything like that. It might’ve been a lack of self-reliance, showing all that blood being spilled and hoping someone will notice. For you to see through that means you really are an amazing person. You have a healing magic power to see through people’s, no, through my heart. Please lend me your powers for just a while longer. I will keep on living, just like you said.

I’ve reached the point that I have to stay home from school, and so I go out only at night. I go only to peek into the mailbox at your home. It used to be a mortifying task, coupled with the fear that there might not be a response letter there. But if you tell me that you’ll definitely write a response, then I won’t have those feelings anymore. Even so, if I go to your mailbox and there’s no response, I’ll be sorely disappointed. Of course, you’re very busy with schoolwork, and you work hard in art club activities for the sake of presenting at exhibitions, so I’m sure it’s not easy to keep writing responses to me every day. I’m ashamed to ask this with that knowledge, but when you can’t send a response, can you at least write a sentence saying that there will be a response tomorrow? If you do that, this pain that I feel in my heart when I look into your empty mailbox will surely be healed.

I’m sorry for making such a selfish request. But when I receive your magic powers, I can keep on living for the day. My parents are so annoying in telling me to go to school, but I will keep on living, just like we promised.

Your responses are like my own heartbeat. Your responses not being here is the same as me not being allowed to breathe. Please forgive me for having fallen to such a state. And please don’t abandon me. Until the world has forgotten me, until I can return to those peaceful days once more, I beg you to please don’t forget about me. Please help me until that day.

P.S.

As proof of my vow to never cut my wrists ever again, I’ve enclosed the razor blade that I was using. So long as you have it sealed away, it will not revive the feeling of wanting to die within me.

Greetings.

Thank you for keeping your promise. Toudou-kun, you really do have the heart of a kind, wonderful person.

You have a magical power to mend one’s spirit. The day will surely come when Kimiyoshi-san will need that power. Please cherish it. Of course, that power was yours alone to begin with, and should be used for Kimiyoshi-san. I shouldn’t have used it so much for my own whims.

You went so far as to tell me not to kill myself, and yet, the demon inside me has been aching recently. This demon must be responsible for driving Kimiyoshi-san to tragedy. It must be the inhumanity that dwells within us humans with Hinamizawa heritage. This demon corners me and whispers that I should kill my parents, day after day after day. I’ve suppressed it by saying that I can’t do that, but I’m reaching my limits. The demon tells me that it wants to see human blood no matter what, and if I can’t show it other people’s then I must show it my own. If I did that, I wouldn’t cause trouble for anyone. But this isn’t suicide, is it? Is there nothing else for me to do?

But I can’t cut my wrists because I promised you I wouldn’t. So tomorrow, I’m going to buy sleeping pills. I haven’t tried it, but I heard that if you take a large dosage all at once, it’ll kill you in your sleep. This might be my final letter to you, Toudou-kun.

I truly thank you for giving warm words to this disgusting girl up until now. I’m a girl who’s supposed to be dead already. Thanks to you, I was able to forget my pain for a short while and live a longer life. I truly thank you. I’m truly grateful.

This might be the end, but can I ask just one selfish thing? I want to see your final response. Won’t you send just one final, warm word? I want to take my final rest holding your letter in my chest.

Greetings.

I’m truly grateful for your response. And thank you for waiting in front of your mailbox to speak to me for a long time in person. I thought that us meeting wouldn’t do us any favors, and so I couldn’t bear appearing in front of you.

Today, I was intending to look into your mailbox and go to the pharmacy, and because I kept waiting for you to go away, I ended up not being able to buy sleeping pills. So I’m still alive for the time being. The fact that I’m alive means I might kill my parents. They need to die soon. Otherwise, the same demon that affected Kimiyoshi-san will come for me too.

I read your response. Your words that there was no meaning in suicide were so harsh and warm that I couldn’t stop crying while reading it. The promise you proposed was that I would never kill myself in any way. I’m still unable to keep that promise and protect it. After all, my life belongs to me, so it should be fine for me to use it as I like. No matter what I do with my life, it shouldn’t trouble anyone. However, if I don’t die soon, I’ll cause even more trouble. Because I want you to send responses, Toudou-kun, I just keep causing trouble, don’t I?

Even so, are you going to tell me that I shouldn’t die? It’s my life, and yet you’re ordering me around? You don’t care what happens to me anymore, do you? Are you thinking that you don’t want to send letters to this disgusting girl anymore? I really want to keep the promise you said to me. But my life is mine alone, so I don’t want you interfering in it… So I’ve realized that if my life is not my own, then I can’t do with it as I please.

I beg of you, Toudou-kun. Won’t you take my life and make it yours, not just mine? The truth is, if I didn’t have you, I’d have already ceased living. It’s because of you that I’ve remained on this earth. If you abandon me, then I will disappear right away.

Therefore, if I don’t belong to me alone, and if I am made to belong to you and I together, then I won’t be able to abandon my own life at my own discretion. I understand that it’s a very selfish request. I’m not asking you to have a guilty relationship with Kimiyoshi-san. If Kimiyoshi-san returns, then I will step aside. So until that day, won’t you make me yours? No, I already belong to you, and you should understand that because you have the magic power to understand everything about me. So please give me just a few words, words of support that say I will be yours. If you promise that with me, then I’ll swear to protect my promise to never attempt suicide ever again. If we do this, then I want to appear in person and make a serious pinky promise with you.

Please send a response. If you hate me, then say that you hate me. Do that, and I will depart this world immediately. I won’t cause anymore trouble for you.

Greetings.

There’s no response, no letter that says when you’ll be able to reply. Are you busy, by any chance…? If so then I’m sorry. I don’t go to school so I have time, but you’re busy with studying and other stuff.

I’m waiting for a response.

Greetings.

Still busy? Then won’t you at least tell me when you’ll stop being busy? When I check your mailbox, when I find that there’s nothing at all in there, it’s really painful, like there’s a hole in my heart!

I’m waiting for a response.

Greetings.

I still haven’t received a response.

Perhaps my bullies are stealing the letters you wrote from your mailbox. If that’s so, then I apologize. Can you write a letter to me just once more? I’ll be sure to get it from your mailbox this time, before it gets stolen. I’m always watching, so I can get my letter right away once you put it in.

Didn’t I already write this in a similar letter?

Greetings.

Do you hate me now, by any chance? What is the meaning behind you not sending any more letters?

I’m saddened.

If you hate me, then I want you to write it. This is worse than being killed…

Greetings.

I’m waiting for a response. I’m always waiting.

Greetings.

Please send a response. I’m so sad.

Greetings.

I’m waiting for a response.

Unless you’re thinking I should just die already?

Greetings.

If I don’t get a response, then I’ll die! I’ll die right away! Is this what you want?! Are you thinking that a girl like me, a bloodthirsty demon of Hinamizawa, should just die already?! Then I’ll die, I’ll really die!

I’ll put this letter into the mailbox and go straight away to the pharmacy to buy sleeping pills. And then I’ll fall asleep holding your letters from when you were so kind! Even when I die, I’ll still be waiting for your responses, always, always standing in front of your mailbox.

I will wait for your responses!! Even if I die!

Greetings.

Even without a response, I like to think you’re still reading these letters.

The letter today is an apology letter.

The promise I wanted you to make was undoubtedly immoral, for you are patiently waiting for Kimiyoshi-san’s return. Because you’re so kind, you don’t want to betray her. But at the same time, because you don’t want to hurt me either, you don’t know what kind of response you can write today that will be acceptable.

That might’ve been something that could only be conveyed in the form of a silent response from you. If you were being silent in order to tell me that, then I understand completely now, and so I want you to please respond. I won’t say anything selfish like my life becoming yours anymore. The relationship we have had thus far, exchanging letters of encouragement, is good. Please cheer up, and let us go back to our original relationship…

I have mistaken your kindness to be love. All of this is my responsibility. I’m truly sorry for annoying you with questions, Toudou-kun, I really am. I’m also really sorry for my letters last time. I’m amazed at the horrible things I wrote. Please forgive me somehow. I beg of you. I’ll do whatever you say, so please respond. Even one word is enough.

So I beg of you. Please respond.

Greetings.

Thank you so, so much for your letter. I’m so happy. I thought I’d never receive a letter from you again, so I’m really happy.

So I will promise what you’ve asked of me. I won’t think about committing suicide ever again. I swear it.

I actually want to pinky promise with you, but I’ve already lost the capabilities to meet you in person… So I will send proof of our promise, at the very least.

To make my pinky promise with you, I’ve enclosed the pinky from my left hand. This will undoubtedly be proof of the promise we’ve made with each other. Every time I see my tiny, missing pinky, I’ll remember our promise. It still hurts right now, but that pain is proof…

Just as I’ve seriously promised, I want you to also keep your promise. Until the day Kimiyoshi-san comes back, you’ll promise to keep exchanging letters with me, right?

There’s something else I want to talk about. My dad is being much too noisy, so tomorrow night, while he’s sleeping, I’m thinking of killing him with a kitchen knife. In order to not do that, I was thinking of killing myself, but I can’t do that because of my promise with you, so my only choice is to kill him. But didn’t you tell me before that I can’t kill him?

Toudou-kun. If I can’t kill myself, and I can’t kill him, then what am I supposed to do? I feel like the things you say are suppressing the demon inside my heart. I want to read your letters. I want to read more and more of them. So long as I have your warm words, I won’t kill anyone.

So I’ll wait for your responses. When you are unable to write a response, please write a few lines of when you’ll be able to. If I peek at your mailbox and it’s empty…I’ll take it as a meaning that you’ve abandoned me.

But you’re so kind, with your magic power to heal me. So I’ll never cause sadness and tragedies. With your words, my family and I will be at peace…

Reading your letters makes me happy. You being here makes me happy.

I’m waiting for a response.

That is all.